HOW TO DEAL WITH TANTRUMS
Are you a parent struggling to navigate the often overwhelming world of tantrums?
Tantrums are a normal part of childhood, but they can feel overwhelming. Understanding why they happen and learning some practical ways to respond can help stop them from escalating and bring calm back into your day.
In this post, I’ll explain why children have tantrums, the difference between tantrums and meltdowns, and share five strategies to manage them so you can restore a sense of peace in your home.
Why Children Have Tantrums
Tantrums are a normal part of growing up. Young children haven’t yet learned how to manage big emotions, so when they feel frustrated, tired, or overwhelmed, their feelings come out through behaviour instead of words.
Common triggers include:
Frustration or unmet needs: They want something they can’t have or can’t do something they’re trying to.
Tiredness or hunger: Being tired or hungry can make it harder to control emotions.
Overstimulation: Busy environments, noise, or too much going on can be overwhelming.
Changes in routine: Sudden changes can unsettle children who rely on predictability.
Testing boundaries: Part of learning about limits involves pushing them, which can lead to outbursts.
Understanding why tantrums happen helps you respond calmly and supportively. By recognising these triggers, you can try to anticipate challenges and guide your child through their emotions more effectively.
TANTRUMS V MELTDOWNS
Have you ever wondered about the difference between a tantrum and a meltdown?
While both are ways children express strong feelings, they are very different in intensity and control. A tantrum is usually a milder outburst, where the child still has some control over their behaviour. Often, if you give it a little time, it will settle on its own.
A meltdown, on the other hand, is more intense. The child loses almost all control, and the behaviour only stops when they have worn themselves out or with the support of a calm, reassuring adult.
FIVE WAYS TO MANAGE TANTRUMS EFFECTIVELY
1
Stay calm
We have all been there - Your child is having a full-blown tantrum in a crowded supermarket or playground. It can be overwhelming and stressful, leaving you feeling embarrassed and unsure of what to do next.
But here's the thing - how you respond to your child's tantrum can significantly impact their emotional development. When you take a deep breath, stay calm, and respond in a way that models emotional regulation, you teach your child valuable skills they can use throughout their life.
Instead of getting frustrated and yelling at your child, you can say something like:
"I know you're upset, but yelling isn't going to help us solve this problem.
Let's take a deep breath and think about what we -can- do instead."
This helps your child learn that having big feelings is okay, but there are healthy ways to express and manage them.
By remaining calm and modelling positive behaviour, you're showing your child that you're a safe and reliable source of support. This can help them feel more secure and confident in managing their emotions in the future.
2
Co-Regulation
Co-regulation is when you help a child learn how to regulate their own emotions by showing empathy and modelling calmness. It means actively managing your own emotions to help children learn to manage theirs.
Children aren’t born knowing how to self-soothe or manage difficult emotions, so they rely on you to guide them through overwhelming feelings.
By staying present, validating their emotions, and gently guiding them toward coping strategies, you can help children feel safe while learning to manage their emotions over time.
When your child is upset, they are mainly using their right brain, which focuses on emotions, rather than their left brain, which handles logic and reasoning. So don’t try to reason with an unreasonable child; it won’t work. Instead, try to be warm and responsive.
For example, if your child is upset because they can’t have a toy, responding logically might sound like:
"You can’t have that, your brother is playing with it."
This can feel dismissive and may make the tantrum worse. Instead, try speaking to their emotions first in a calm, soothing way:
"I know it’s hard when you want something someone else has. It’s okay to feel upset about that."
Once they feel heard, you can gently guide them toward a solution, engaging their left brain:
"Let’s go and play with the truck or bike while you wait for your turn."
or
"How about we try a different game together?"
By combining emotional support with gentle guidance, co-regulation helps your child feel safe, understood, and better able to navigate uncomfortable emotions.
Next time your child is upset, try co-regulating to help them manage their emotions and feel supported.
3
Identify Emotions
In times of distress, it can be challenging for children to put a name to their feelings. However, helping them to do so can be a powerful tool for their emotional development. Rather than brushing off their emotions or telling them to stop crying, try acknowledging how they feel.
If your child is throwing a tantrum, you might say:
"I can see that you're feeling really frustrated right now."
By doing this, you are validating their emotions and giving them the vocabulary they need to express themselves effectively.
Encouraging them to put their feelings into words, such as "I feel angry because I can't have that toy," can help them develop their emotional intelligence and learn to manage their feelings in a healthy way.
4
Distract
Be one step ahead of your child by anticipating problems and gently guiding them towards activities you’d like them to do.
Try asking your child to help you find something in the shop, or offer them a book to keep their hands and mind busy. Distraction can be surprisingly effective, especially when it’s playful.
Instead of saying, “Go and brush your teeth,” which can often lead to a tantrum, try: “Can you hop on one foot to the bathroom?” When you get there, simply hand them the toothbrush while chatting about something else, or praising how well they can hop.
Use your imagination, and when you sense a tricky moment coming, step in with a distraction. It’s a kind and effective way to redirect your child before things escalate.
5
Ignore
Sometimes the best way to handle a tantrum is to ignore it. This doesn’t mean ignoring your child; it just means not giving attention to the unwanted behaviour.
Often, children use tantrums to get what they want, and giving them attention can unintentionally reinforce it, which means it is more likely to happen again.
Many parents find that tantrums calm down on their own if they aren’t reinforced. It is still important to stay close, keep them safe.
While your child is upset, you can calmly continue with what you are doing or sit with them. Once they have settled, a little comfort can help you to reconnect.
This approach helps children learn that tantrums won’t get them what they want and teaches them healthier ways to communicate.
Remember, when children are overwhelmed with big emotions, it’s your job to help them soothe, not join in the chaos.
Staying calm, offering comfort, and gently helping them navigate their feelings teaches them how to self-soothe and express themselves in healthy ways.
For more easy-to-use parenting strategies, see the Parent’s Guide to Children’s Behaviour.
Alternatively, reach out today to see if Child Behaviour Coaching is a good fit for you.
Take Care!
Ruth Edensor
