How Being Defensive Pushes Your Child Away

4 Feb

learn to Break the Cycle

Have you ever noticed yourself getting defensive with your child in the heat of the moment or during an argument? If you have, then you are not alone.

Being defensive often happens when we feel attacked and need to defend ourselves. It may seem like a natural reaction that most of us have done at some point. Yet, it is far more harmful to relationships than we often realise. Dr. John Gottman, a renowned relationship expert and psychologist, identifies defensiveness as the third of the "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse."

Criticism - stonewalling - defensiveness - contempt

These behaviours are deeply destructive to relationships and can predict the breakdown of relationships with up to 95% accuracy. Being Defensive is a sign of a communication breakdown and can push your child away, leaving you both disconnected and resentful. It is harmful because it invalidates children’s feelings, escalates conflict, and doesn't resolve the issues.

In this blog, we will look at typical ways we are defensive and how to break the cycle, leading to better communication and healthy relationships.

What Can We Learn from Being Defensive

How we communicate with our children really does shape the quality of our relationship with them. Defensiveness, while often a knee-jerk reaction, usually has an element of justification attached. Defending and justifying our point of view is likely to escalate any conflict and is counterproductive to problem-solving. When we defend and justify our point of view, children are less likely to feel heard, validated, or supported, causing resentment and uncooperative behaviour at some point. When we continually defend ourselves, children will eventually lose trust in being able to speak with us and often emotionally back off to protect themselves.

Here are some common defensive responses parents might use:

Child: "You never listen to me!"
Parent: "That's not true! I'm always here for you, you don't notice!"
Child: "You don't care about how I feel!"
Parent: "Of course I care. How could you even say that after everything I do for you?"
Child: "It's not fair; I never get to do anything I like!"
Parent: "Oh, really? What about last weekend when we went out just for you?"
Child: "You're always so busy—you never have time for me!"
Parent: "That's not true. I spend more time with you than most parents!"
Child: "I'm upset, and you don't care!"
Parent: "Life is not fair; you're being dramatic. I do care! And I am here for you."

These responses shift the focus away from the child's feelings and back onto the parent's need to defend themselves. Using phrases like "that's not true" or countering with examples invalidates the child's perspective. As a result, children will likely feel dismissed or silenced, leading to more frustration or withdrawal.

The Effects of Defensiveness on Children

When we respond to our children with defensiveness and justification, it shifts the blame onto the child. It dismisses their feelings, negatively affecting their emotional well-being and relationship dynamics. Over time, this behaviour can undermine trust and leave children questioning their instincts and whether their emotions and experiences are valid or worth sharing.

For example, if a child hears responses like, "That's not true, you're just being dramatic!" or "I can't believe you think I don't care after everything I do," they may internalise messages such as:

"My feelings aren't important."
"I can't trust my parent to understand me."
"I need to keep my emotions to myself to avoid conflict."

These subtle yet powerful messages can limit a child's ability to communicate openly, damaging their confidence in expressing emotions and building meaningful relationships in the future. Children may struggle to speak up for themselves for fear of rejection or develop patterns of avoiding difficult conversations altogether.

Defensiveness also teaches children to mirror the same behaviour. If they see parents deflecting blame or justifying their actions instead of taking responsibility, they are likely to do the same. This can make it harder for them to learn accountability, empathy, and conflict resolution.

Break the cycle of Defensiveness by Taking Responsibility

As Dr. John Gottman describes, taking responsibility is the antidote and will break the cycle of defensiveness. Instead of deflecting blame or justifying your actions, this approach involves owning your part in the situation and addressing your child's feelings with empathy and care. It shifts the conversation from conflict to connection, creating a safe space for children to express themselves and feel understood.

How to Take Responsibility

1. Acknowledge Your Child's Perspective:

Show your child that their feelings are valid and important.

Instead of saying: "That's not true! I do listen to you!"

Say: "I hear you feel like I'm not listening. Can you tell me more about what's upsetting you?"

2. Accept Your Role:

Recognise how your actions may have contributed to the issue.

Instead of saying: "You're just being too sensitive!"

Say: "I see how my words might have upset you. I'm sorry for that—it wasn't my intention."

3. Validate with Their Feelings:

Respond with compassion to help your child feel heard and supported.

Instead of saying: "That's not fair—I care about you, and I am here for you!"

Say: "It sounds like you're feeling hurt; I can see why that would hurt you.”

4. Focus on Solutions Together:

Shift the conversation toward collaboration and problem-solving.

Instead of saying: "That's not my fault—what do you expect me to do?"
Say: "I want to help. Let's work together to see what we can do to make this better."

Why Taking Responsibility Works

This approach teaches children that it's okay to make mistakes as long as we take ownership and learn from them. By modelling responsibility, parents show their children how to handle conflict with grace and empathy—skills that will benefit them in every relationship. More importantly, taking responsibility strengthens trust, as children feel heard, respected, and valued in the relationship.

From Defensiveness to Responsibility

I worked with James, a father who often reacted defensively when his 8-year-old son expressed frustration. When his son said things like:

"You never listen to me!"

James would respond with,

"That's not true! I'm always listening—you just don't notice!"

The result? His son stopped opening up, and their conversations became short and strained. James wanted a better connection with his son, but he didn't realise his defensiveness made it harder.

James changed his approach after learning to take responsibility instead of justifying his actions.

When his son later said:

"You don't care about what I want,"

James paused and responded differently:

"I can see how my actions made you feel that way. I'm really sorry. Tell me what you want."

That single shift opened the door to a meaningful conversation. His son shared how he wanted some time with his Dad, and they planned some quality time together that week. The result? A stronger bond and a son who felt understood and valued.

By replacing defensiveness with openness and responsibility, we show children that their emotions matter and their voice is valued. This strengthens trust and equips them with the tools to build healthy, supportive relationships throughout their lives.

TRY IT YOURSELF

Next time you feel yourself getting defensive with your child, stop, and instead try acknowledge their feelings and take responsibility for yourself instead of defending and justifying your point; so you can create an environment where your child feels safe expressing themselves, opening the door for better communication and healthy relationships.

Try it yourself and see the fantastic results you can have.

Warm Regards

Ruth Edensor