WHY Children’s Behaviour Often Isn’t the Problem
Understanding the WORRYING Deeper Issues
When children's behaviour is challenging, it's easy to assume they're the problem. But their behaviour is often a symptom and a worrying signal that something deeper is going on in their environment. One of the key, yet often overlooked, reasons for persistent behavioural difficulties is the cycle of abuse within the family.
This pattern of tension, conflict, and emotional harm doesn't just affect adults, it deeply impacts children, often leaving them dysregulated, anxious, and negatively reacting to their environment.
In this blog, we look at what the cycle of abuse looks like, how it affects children, and the steps families can take to start breaking free from it.
WHY IT MATTERS
When families are caught in the cycle of abuse, it’s often the children who show the signs through their behaviour. Sadly, they can become the scapegoat—labelled as the problem—when in reality, their behaviour is a response to the environment around them. It’s not their fault, and it’s certainly not the root cause.
One family I worked with will always stay with me. They were referred to me by a County Council Local Support Team and had three young children, all in primary school.
We began 12 weeks of parenting support using A Parent’s Guide to Children’s Behaviour, aiming to help improve their son’s violent outbursts, aggressive behaviour, and school refusal. At the time, he was at serious risk of exclusion, and the family was on the verge of being referred to social services for child protection.
But very quickly, it became clear that the core issue wasn’t the child’s behaviour—it was the high level of conflict between the parents. Their arguments often played out in front of the children, and their parenting approach had become inconsistent and reactive. The environment at home was emotionally unstable, and the children were absorbing it all.
With the right support, changes were made. We worked together to stabilise the family environment, which included helping Mum gain financial independence and supporting Dad to move into separate housing. Once the home became a safer, healthier space, everything shifted. The child’s behaviour began to settle, school attendance improved, and most importantly, peace returned to their family life.
How the Cycle of Abuse IMPACTS Children
Children exposed to abuse like the family above, often carry deep scars that impact their emotional well-being and development.
When children live in an environment where there is abuse, their nervous systems can become stuck in a constant state of stress. This means they’re reacting from the stress response of fight, flight, freeze, or fawn and are always on edge. You can see this in behaviours such as arguing, storming off, ignoring you or people-pleasing. This heightened state makes it difficult for them to feel safe, stay calm, or learn effectively. To improve behaviour, we need to first reduce stress and help regulate the environment so children can settle, feel secure, and begin to thrive.
Here's how the cycle of emotional abuse can impact children:
Emotional and mental health struggles: They are less likely to flourish and may develop poor emotional well-being.
Difficulty forming positive relationships: Their ability to trust and form healthy relationships may be impaired.
Anger and self-blame: They may exhibit anger towards themselves or others.
Low self-esteem: Constant exposure to abuse often leads to feelings of inadequacy and low self-worth.
Attention issues: Emotional stress can cause children to have trouble focusing and learning.
Developmental delays: Their brains may not be in the optimal state for learning or development.
Health problems: Chronic stress can lead to health issues like fatigue, headaches, or digestive problems.
Risk of self-destructive behaviour: Adolescence can bring an increased risk of self-harm or other self-destructive behaviours.
Chronic stress and anxiety: Living in a tense, unpredictable environment can lead to long-term anxiety or stress disorders.
Recognising these signs early is crucial. By understanding the damage caused by emotional abuse, we can help children break free and create a healthier environment for them to flourish.
The FOUR STAGES OF THE Cycle of Abuse
Tension - Incident - ReconciLE - CALM
The cycle of abuse is a toxic and often hidden pattern of dysfunction in relationships and families that profoundly affects everyone involved, especially children. If you are caught in this cycle, it can leave you feeling overwhelmed, emotionally drained, and stuck. Recognising this cycle is the first step towards breaking free and creating a healthier environment for yourself and your family.
Step 1: Tension is Building
The Cycle of Abuse model was originally developed by Dr. Lenore E. Walker in 1979. He said tension in a relationship can build slowly but steadily, often in ways that can be hard to detect. This phase can involve rejection, such as saying no to suggestions or offers of help, or making critical comments. When someone is shamed, ridiculed, or embarrassed in front of others, it adds fuel to the fire.
Other triggers include constant disapproval, jealousy, neglecting each other’s needs, being overbearing to gain power or ignoring boundaries.
This can create an environment where one person (often the victim) feels like they’re walking on eggshells, constantly trying to avoid upsetting the other person.
You might notice an increased need to watch your partner's actions or words carefully, fearing that any wrong move could set off a reaction.
The victim often starts to feel anxious, not knowing when the next incident will occur.
This overwhelming tension is a clear sign that the cycle of emotional abuse is about to escalate.
Step 2: An Incident Happens - The Abuse Starts
Once the tension has been building, things can explode quickly. Emotionally abusive behaviour emerges in this phase, often triggered by something seemingly small. It could be a cutting remark, a harsh insult, or even gaslighting, where the abuser tries to make the victim question their reality—saying things like:
“You’re overreacting.” or “I never said that.” or “That's not true, I wouldn’t hurt you for the world.”
This is a way of shifting the blame, so the victim begins to doubt themselves.
Other signs could include:
Stonewalling: The abuser completely ignores the victim, refusing to engage.
Withholding: They may withdraw affection or withhold important information to maintain control.
Smear campaigns: The abuser might spread lies or try to turn others against the victim, making them seem unbalanced, the problem or "crazy."
This is where the victim might start to feel like they’ve done something wrong and that it’s their fault and take the blame. This is when the abuser starts to regain control.
In this phase, things can escalate quickly. The victim feels emotionally overwhelmed, and what may have started as a small issue quickly grows into an all-consuming argument. The impact is real, and it can leave the victim questioning their sense of reality, with a growing sense of confusion and helplessness.
Step 3: Reconciliation
Once the abuse has taken place, the cycle begins to shift toward reconciliation. In this phase, the tension from the incident starts to ease, and the abuser may try to restore the relationship.
They might express remorse, offer gifts, or make promises of change. This is often when the abuser’s behaviour shifts from being harsh or controlling to being overly kind and affectionate in an attempt to win back the victim’s trust.
However, despite the temporary show of kindness, the underlying issues remain unresolved, and the victim may be left feeling confused. During this phase, the victim may feel a deep desire to make things right, not just for their own peace of mind, but to avoid further conflict.
In their efforts to repair the relationship, the victim might give in to the abuser’s needs, even at the expense of their own.
The victim might:
Apologise or take responsibility for things that weren't their fault
Give in to the abuser's demands to maintain peace
Try to placate the abuser in an attempt to avoid further tension
Look for ways to “fix” things, even if they aren’t the ones who caused the problem
While the abuser may express remorse, it's often short-lived, as the cycle will likely begin again once the tension builds. This reconciliation phase, though emotionally complex, doesn't solve the root cause of the abusive behaviour—it merely pauses the conflict temporarily and calm is restored.
STEP FOUR: CALM IS RESTORED
The tension seems to lift, and the relationship may appear to return to normal, and calm is restored at least on the surface. However, the problem remains unresolved, and the victim may have unknowingly fed into the abuser’s ego by giving in or placating the situation.
In this phase, the abuser may act as though everything is fine, possibly offering gestures of kindness or showing affection. But the truth is, the cycle of tension, conflict, and emotional abuse is far from over. As soon as the next trigger arises and tension begins to build again, the cycle repeats itself—often sooner than expected.
It's important to recognise that there is no real peace in this phase. The cycle of abuse doesn’t usually lead to a healthy resolution. If you or your family find yourselves trapped in this cycle, it’s crucial to seek help and learn ways to break free to foster healthier, more connected relationships.
Generational Cycles of Abuse
Generational trauma creates a cycle of abuse within families, where unresolved emotional pain from one generation spills over into the next. When parents carry unresolved trauma, it may unintentionally lead them to pass on harmful behaviours, such as anger, neglect, or even emotional abuse, to their children.
As children grow up, they may unknowingly repeat these patterns in their own relationships, perpetuating a cycle of dysfunction and emotional pain.
Each new generation inherits these behaviours and struggles to find healthier ways to cope, often resulting in emotional or physical abuse that becomes ingrained over time.
The generational cycle of abuse may manifest in the following ways:
Difficulty managing emotions: This leads to outbursts of anger or even violence.
Trouble trusting others: The inability to form healthy, secure relationships.
Unhealthy coping mechanisms: These include substance abuse or emotional withdrawal.
Repeating harmful behaviours: Without intervention, the children may carry on the toxic behaviours learned from their parents.
Breaking the Cycle for Healthy Relationships
The cycle of abuse can be incredibly difficult to break, but recognising it is the first step toward healing.
Remember, abuse may not follow this cycle, it can be unpredictable and show in many ways.
If you or your family find yourselves trapped in this cycle, don't hesitate to reach out to me for support or your local services or GP. It is possible to build healthier, more connected relationships.
If you're struggling with your child's behaviour or emotional challenges, I’m here to help. Book a call with me or grab a copy of my Parent's Guide to Children’s Behaviour to start making positive changes today. You don’t have to navigate this alone.
Warm Regards
Ruth
